The past 12 months have been an amazing time for me. I've had so many new opportunities come along which I would previously never have imagined possible and then the latest adventure to South Africa really was the icing on the cake. New opportunities also meant meeting new people and that can be challenging too. Sometimes I wonder who might find it the most challenging - me or them?
I come across as a real chatterbox, bubbly and a bit over the top, but scratch the surface and I can be quite shy really - it's all a big ruse. I used to be terribly awkward around strangers, but my job brings me into contact with strangers every day of the week and that forced me to step outside of my comfort zone many years ago. However, the role of Gallery Manager is like a coat I put on for work. I can talk forever about art, artists and the place I live, all within the workplace and I'm fine. But plonk me in the pub next door and I'm lost for something to say.
I think that dressing up as I do is a front, a ploy to take the focus off the real me and place it firmly on the outfit of the day. I can play the part of the flamboyant entrepreneur, ready to speak about what I've got on and where I found it. Wearing bright clothes is a great ice breaker too, saving people the effort of finding a safe subject to talk about. Some of us need a mask to hide behind and this is mine. That said, I wouldn't dress down in the hope of disappearing from sight, as these clothes do channel the peacock within. I love bright things, bold colours and unusual shoes. Today's bright things come mostly from Zara (the lounge suit and boots) and the sequinned jacket was from hubby for my birthday present and is from TK Maxx.
Being a peacock within a small community can make you appear to be a bit of a show-off, a court jester, you may look guilty of playing to the gallery all of the time. But as I've said before, I dress to please myself. My pleasure in my clothes is authentic, joyful and such a positive aspect of my life. When someone might raise their eyebrows at something I wear I always remember the talk my husband gave me many moons ago, the main point being, "Make no apology for being you". He too was the one to tell me I'm human Marmite and goodness, I just hate Marmite, so that caused us both to laugh like hell.
Anyway, to get back to my point, I do know that some might find me challenging. I'm too in-your-face for some people. My first impression can leave many reeling, others could feel a little punch drunk and some, thank goodness, are pleased to have met a human whirlwind. My enthusiasm can be infectious and that's what I hope will make my readers come back for more. Or even come to seek me out on my little island home, which has happened too. Did I live up to their expectations? They never did say!
As you'll probably know, I'm a big self-help fan and am always on the look-out for a good read. My latest purchase Love For Imperfect Things has been a great help for me in assessing who I am in the grand scheme of things and if I'm good enough. The following recommendation was just the pointer I needed to make me want to buy the book and learn more -
"The world could surely use a bit more love, a little more compassion and a little more wisdom. In Love for Imperfect Things, Haemin Sunim shows us how to cultivate all three, and to find beauty in the most imperfect of things - including your very own self" (Susan Cain, author of Quiet).
My inner battle of not feeling good enough, comes from an unhappy childhood, of feeling unloved, which is a subject that Haemin broaches with great sensitivity. He treads lightly, offering wise words and simple suggestions as to how to move on and love oneself regardless of self doubt. It's a beautiful book reflecting his imperfect soul - no haughty preaching, just sympathetic guidance and kindness. The following quote of his has to be one of my favourites.
"If I like myself, it is easy for me to like people around me. But if I am unhappy with myself, it is easy to feel unhappy with those around me. May you become your own biggest fan!"
And so yes, I am my own biggest fan. I laugh loudly, sing loudly, dress loudly. But goodness, I'm big on love too. I hug big, I'm a loyal friend, I give genuine compliments to complete strangers, I love my family and I am a generous boss. I throw myself into both work and play with real gusto, with a complete passion for life, a genuine enthusiasm for the things that give me joy. I make no apologies for being me. I think being in my 60's has been very liberating, helping me to get over my insecurities and self doubts. I at last know who I am, am happy with who I am and am ready for whatever comes along next.
Anna x
woww, I don't know if I love more your outfit or your words!, both of them make me feel enthusiastic!. Love your attitude. And totally support the idea of dressing to please ourselves, never make apologies for being who we are and keep on loving our imperfect selves.
ReplyDeleteYour embroidered suit is stunning and it looks even more fab here with the sequined jacket!, love any puffy coat/jacket which is bold and shiny!.
besos
(I can be introverted and live in a provincial town, which means that my love for color and fashion is not always well perceived. But many times it makes my social life easier and made me meet lots of interesting people, so I consider it as part of my fascinating personality ;DDD)
Thanks Monica for your kind observations. It's funny how I have been reticent about revealing too much of myself and my hang-ups here, but the minute I do I get this lovely honest response back from my readers. And yes, I too have met some really interesting people through having conversations about my clothes x
DeleteWell, this could have been written about me. There is something about retail/service-type jobs that just works for "loud introverts" like us, Anna! When I am not "on" at work, or happily chattering about fashion or what I'm wearing, I just clam up.
ReplyDeleteYou had better hide that sequinned puffer, my dear, or I will grab it right off your back! I am drooling over here. Hugs to you - be you, whatever that is!
You know Sheila, I've always considered myself as an extrovert, but can see that your description of loud introvert suits me much better. Orange plus sequins equals heavenly new purchase, so hands off, sweetie x
DeleteWhat a lovely and poignant post, Anna. That could have been me! Unless I'm on safe ground, at work or with my best friends, I am quite (or should that be quiet!) introverted. I'm the only you can always find in the kitchen at parties ;-) Dressing loudly and colourfully acts like a kind of armour! xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear that this post has struck a chord with you Ann. I wonder if every bright peacock woman we pass on the street is using her clothes as armour too? We're maybe not so unusual in this smokescreening of ourselves after all? xxx
DeleteOf course you dress to please yourself - and how fabulous you look too. The sequin jacket is especially beautiful; what a lovely birthday present!
ReplyDeleteIt's brilliant you've been to South Africa; I am trying to catch up with your blog posts about it. It's a country I have mixed feelings about as I was married to a Black South African and it's my children's heritage, but was never able to go there in the past because of apartheid and now we've been divorced for so long I certainly can't say I have family there anymore!
Have a great weekend,
xxx
Yes, isn't the jacket gorgeous?
DeleteThanks for your insight re South Africa. I'm aware of apartheid, but you're the first to share your personal story of how this has affected you and your family. Of course you'll have mixed feelings. I loved the country - it's so beautiful - but was terribly aware of the massive divide between rich and poor. Someone did day that even in London we have that same divide, which I suppose is true.
Oh wow, that's very personal I don't, , know,, you for that long but never read anything so personal about you I believe. I like a bit personal words on a blog. Thanks
ReplyDeleteCheers Nancy. I suppose I do get a bit personal from time to time. I like to use my blog as my personal diary and that means sharing these inner thoughts and feelings sometimes.
DeleteOh Anna! Sharing yourself so nakedly and without guise or pretense may be like watching a lotus bloom! I can feel that you needed to do this; that it comes on the heels of a whirlwind, celebrity-ish, fashion influencing adventure is interesting. I'm going to guess that your exciting new activities/status compelled you to "take stock" of yourself? Though I've been through nothing similar I have to say that I (think) I understand you're feelings. I think your honesty, integrity, and insightful self knowledge and esteem pushed you to write this post as you did.
ReplyDeleteI too use fashion to masquerade and protect myself. I think we can love something for its artful, expressive potential as well as it's function in protecting our tender under bellies and vulnerable bits. Why wouldn't you want to shine like a sun bauble in that glorious golden jacket! I'm convinced that it's healthy self affirmation!
Dearest Anna, many of us have "got your back" and in doing so we grow the joy of loving ourselves.
Your observations are very astute Judy. I think I do like to reveal my soft underbelly to show that no matter how it appears, I do have my feet firmly on the ground. No matter how many campaigns or adverts I may appear in, I know I shall never consider myself a model. Model = beautiful in my book and that's not me. But and this is a huge but, I am indeed good enough. Good enough to be chosen for said adverts/campaigns, good enough to run a fashion blog, good enough to run a successful art gallery. Good enough to be me. And after all, that all we can be.
ReplyDeleteI love that I've gathered friends like you along the way, thanks to my blog. Without your feedback I would indeed be sitting here typing away wondering what on earth my readers think. Thanks to you I don't have to wonder and can instead bask in the glow of your kind and generous words. I love that you've got my back. I too, have yours sweetie xxx